Monday, February 20th, 2017
When it comes to Valentine’s Day we tend to focus on celebrating the love between two people, sometimes we celebrate the love between family members but very rarely do we celebrate self love and the relationship we have with ourselves. At this time of year if you are without a partner you may feel anxiety, even if you are content on your own, and this sense of unworthiness may creep in because of the emphasis on being happy and ‘in love’.
As with anything, it depends on your mindset and perspective on how you approach things, such as social media and certain TV shows. You can edit and filter what you are exposed to and engage as much or as little as you like; it’s a choice.
So why the emphasis on this date? Do couples suddenly realise that they acknowledge their love because the date says the 14th? Or perhaps this day is catered more for young blossoming love and is just a bit of fun and excitement? What I do know is that it’s hard to get a table at a restaurant and prices go up! And like any other annually celebration event, the stores get filled with the colours of the theme of the season to titillate your monetary taste buds. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a Valentine’s Day whinge bag, but if you’re a fan of Valentine’s Day or not – whether you’re single or in a relationship, how about taking a moment to look at your relationship with the most important person in your life – you. After all, it’s the longest one you will have.
Do you allow the time and space for yourself, to relax, have fun or to learn? Do you take care of your mind and body? Do you look at your needs and desires? Do you know yourself? If you are single, then this is a great opportunity to build this. Take all the advantages that come with this time to move and breathe and find your own rhythms. If you’re not single, why not also set aside some time for this?
I was single for quite a few years living overseas away from family, and although there were ups and downs, this was one of the best parts of my life. I really got to know and understand myself, raising my self-awareness and uncovering patterns that I might not have exposed had I not had this opportunity to contemplate, explore and feel more open when I entered a relationship.
There is often an expectation that another person will make you happy or will ‘fix you’, and that another person in your life can really impact it in a positive way. This can be delicate for your wellbeing if you rely on the behaviour or actions of another for your sense of happiness, leading to an underlying unconscious need to be satisfied only through this person. If they do not act in a way that is in line with your expectation then you will find your mood becomes inconsistent and reliant on short-term, feel-good, external influences to feel good. This can lead to toxic patterns, including toxic relationships.
Intimate and healthy relationships involve three components;
Sometimes, for whatever reason, we feel a relationship completes us. We remember the ‘in love’ butterflies and forget the compromises and growing pains that are required to learn and build upon in a solid relationship. Two people coming together for a real, loving and intimate relationship means a letting down of barriers, developing streamline communication for mutual understanding, moving through trust issues and childhood distortions and allowing yourself a vulnerability.
This isn’t to say that you cannot start a relationship when you still have ‘stuff’ – everyone is on a life long journey and we don’t aim to be perfect. There are many couples where one or both are fragile and working through things together, and/ or on their own. Only you know if what you’re experiencing is growing pains or unacceptable pain for you and your life, and you can make that choice any time. Ultimately we hear it time and time again but it is the truth – only you can make you happy. There’s a beautiful moment of empowerment that comes when you truly realise this. You can read my moment of realisation on my blog called ‘The Graceful Gardener’,
So, if you are without a partner at this time, I only encourage you to make the best use of NOW. Living your life the way YOU want to live it and getting to know yourself in all scenarios and having fun with freedom. Remember, freedom doesn’t need to end when you enter a relationship either, it’s about finding the right type of person who shares the same values and who is ready to open up and support each other’s real sides, and not just the fuzzy beginning bits.
If you find yourself struggling, not feeling good in your own company or anxious about meeting in groups, then perhaps take some time out to work on your self-esteem. Hypnotherapy can help with this and soon we will be introducing a monthly group called Anxiety T & T (tips and techniques with meditation). Nicola also shares meditations online and soon will be introducing the 10 day mindfulness online retreat to support your daily activity and to help you rewire and reset your thinking.